2012 Film Round-up

The Best in Film of 2012 (So far)

We’ve passed the half way mark of 2012 and though nobody could deny that there has been a fair share of cinematic disappointments (American Reunion, The Dictator and even Prometheus) and even some outright turkeys (Piranha 3DD anyone?) but we have still had a reasonably strong year in film so far. With The Dark Knight Rises, Great Gatsby and Perks of Being a Wallflower still to be released, here’s a look at 2012’s finest offerings thus far.

Martha Marcy May Marlene – Sean Durkin

This is one of those haunting films which subtly eats away at your brain even after the film has ended. Utilising the original concept of the film, rising star Elizabeth Olsen gives one of the most intriguing yet disturbing performances of the year. Her character’s paranoid mind flashes back to the years she spent living with an abusive cult, shortly after escaping from them. It may not be an enjoyable film to sit through, or even one that you'd care to go back to - but it is still a necessary experience... Mary-Kate and Ashley who?

Marvel’s The Avengers/ Avengers Assemble – Joss Whedon

Nobody cam deny that this is 143 minutes of unadulterated entertainment. It may have some strong contenders when it comes to comic book adaptations; but  Avengers Assemble is certainly up there with the best. Showcasing a host of interesting and multi-layered heroes (sadly only one of which being female), a snappy script and a breathtaking climax there is not much to complain about. It may not offer anything that is tremendously original or groundbreaking but it certainly raises the bar for future superhero and comic book adaptations.

Chronicle – Josh Trank

From one superhero picture to another, this hand-held adventure gives us a completely different experience: this is the Blair Witch of the superhero world. And while it could be a total disaster given its popular choice in plotline, it still packs a punch. Its three main characters could be the most complex characters we have seen in the genre - Dane DeHaan’s chilling performance is a standout as his sinister portrayal of Andrew pulls us uneasily in. Though it becomes almost too camp in some parts, this is a thrill ride you cannot miss.

Cabin in the Woods – Drew Goddard

Though a lot of critics were on the fence with this one, its ridiculousness has already generated a cult following. While The Avengers boasts a polished, well structured and Hollywoodised product of screenwriter Joss Whedon’s talent, Cabin in the Woods lets his imagination run wild and free. There are numerous winks to the fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and homage paid to various horror films of past and present.  This is by no means a ‘scary movie’, but it makes up for it by being just as thrilling as it is funny.

Moonrise Kingdom – Wes Anderson

Every carefully grafted shot is framed like a painting or photograph in this off-beat comedy about childhood romance. Anderson’s depth and unique eye for detail makes this a visual feast. However, the way the film appears is not the only positive with Moonrise. Since it is not directed by Tim Burton, style and substance are on equal footing.  This picture provides us with two poignant, yet witty performances from its 13-year old leads which are backed up by impressive acting from Edward Norton and Bruce Willis. Though he is now a respectable auteur, this is arguably Anderson at his eccentric best.

The Five-Year year Engagement – Nicholas Stoller

If you are expecting another Bridesmaids or The Hangover; The Five-Year year Engagement may disappoint. This is as much a commitment to being a relationship drama as it is a comedy, as Stoller sacrifices some of the belly-laughs to showcase realistic relationship problems. While there are some questionable performances from the supporting cast, Emily Blunt and Jason Segel easily carry the film with their charm and wit. Admittedly, at least twenty minutes could be shaved off this Rom-Com, as the cinema chair begins to feel uncomfortable towards the end. However, this is still an honest insight into marriage and relationships with good performances and enough humour to keep it afloat.  The best comedy of the year.

Killer Joe - William Friedkin

While we wait for Django Unchained, William Friedkin keeps us occupied with his Tarantinoesque drama. I use the Tarantino reference lightly though, as though this black comedy does have a similar feel, it definitely is its own film, still baring Friedkin’s distinct stamp.

There are great performances all round, especially from the women, Juno Temple and Gina Gershon, who present us with non-clichéd and interesting female characters. Emile Hirsch also shines as he bounces back from a string of questionable films. 

This grotesque story of family can be a difficult watch and might have you swallowing your own vomit at times but you won’t look away as the story is as captivating as its characters. And what more would you expect from the director of The Exorcist?

GIRLS - Review

After watching the first two episodes of HBO’s Girls I am going to make as bold a statement as to say that it is some of the best television I have seen in about half a decade.

Though I do not want to delve too far in to the racial politics, in fear of offending someone, I will just very quickly address the widespread criticism of the ‘All-white cast in a multi-cultural New York’. Admittedly, it did not go unnoticed – and certainly does not feel right: As a viewer you do definitely question the producers’ logic with regards to their casting decisions. However, I do not see this, necessarily, as a deliberate decision, but maybe as more of an oversight? It could have simply been that the actors, who were best suited to play the characters, just happened to be Caucasian.  Alas, while speculation is welcome, we cannot know the truth behind the casting at this moment.

Not since Six Feet Under left our screens in 2005 have I watched such a brave portrayal of women on the small screen. Even Alan Ball’s more recent True Blood, though deliciously entertaining, still falls short when it comes to the sincerity of its characters (yes I know, they’re vampires). Girls, in fact could be seen as the sassy product of Six Feet Under and Sex and the City’s wild drunken night at the HBO Christmas party – and that’s a good thing.

Though lots of the themes of Girls are similar to those of SATC, it is a more brutally relatable portrayal of the women. We know women (and men) may wish to talk about their various issues regarding sex: but unfortunately, not everyone can afford to spend the time and money doing so, every night, in a bar in Manhattan - whilst drinking an over-priced cosmopolitan. Instead we have penniless college-graduates discussing abortion as they sit in the STI clinic. It’s Bleak.

The Bravery of the writing makes the characters easily accessible and though we have only known these four women for a total of 57 minutes, we are already fully rooting for them. Without playing any ‘archetypal female roles’, we get four very different and complex characters – none of which could be seen as the stereotypical woman… Well, maybe Jemima Kirke’s Jessa (who plays the free-spirited and typically cynical Brit) but I’m willing to overlook this because she still remains an intriguing character.

Sex and the City showed the highs and lows of the women’s sexual life, but all four women seemed to strive for (and often achieve) perfect happiness in the bedroom.  Girls does not glamorise the orgasm or sex in the same way, we are only really seeing the lows. ‘Sex is really, really overrated,’ advises one of the girls.

It is this blunt writing style which makes this a fresh and terrific show, standing out from the crowd with heavy competition from various new (and old) shows. Let’s just hope that that the next eight episodes remain as strong and that we will hopefully see some more cultural diversity in the future.

One to watch.

Cartoons are for Kids - My Top Ten Animated Films.

I've always seen Animation as an under-appreciated form of art compared to other film. It is usually seen as something for kids and is kicked aside when it comes to talk of ‘serious’ film-making. So in retaliation, here is my tribute to the beautiful world of Animation, in my Top Ten Animated Films.

10) Alice in Wonderland. -(1951 - Clyde Geronimi)

3D glasses not needed.

Capturing Lewis Carroll’s vibrant and once-original novel has always seen trouble when transferring its magic from page to screen. Various adaptations began in the 1900s and have spanned a century leading up to Tim Burton’s muddled 2010 remake.
Disney's Alice in Wonderland opened in 1951 to universally bad criticism. However, 60 years later, with a much deserved reassessment, it is easy to look at this as one of Disney’s finest moments. Whilst still being a mash-up of both Alice through the Looking Glass and her Adventures in Wonderland, this, arguably, captures Carroll’s wild and whimsical magic in its most faithful adaptation. Not only does it still contain Walt’s identity in every brush stroke, but it also boasts Disney’s lesser known sinister side. Simplicity at its very best.

9) The Triplets of Belleville - (2003 - Sylvain Chomet)

‘Swinging Belleville rendez-vous
Marathon dancing doop-dee-doop!’

While I can confidently state that this one is not made for younger eyes, I cannot comfortably say who it should appeal to... Only the French could make a film as quirky as this. Though this is a foreign production, there are no subtitles needed as the bizarre story is told in a sequence of grunts. But if you have yet to see this adorable picture, do not let this put you off. This is still one of the richest, most individual and surreal productions of recent decades. The animation is unforgettable, the music superb and the characters are a perfect cocktail of what is both funny and melancholy.

8) Chico and Rita (2010 - Tono Errando)

Seducing with Colour.

Chico and Rita is sexy, sweet and at times sad: Another simple but ingenious production. The characters Chico and Rita are both interesting and multi-levelled personalities that the audience grows a strong affiliation with as their complex journey of love develops. It also looks beautiful - Its eye-popping colours illustrate 1940’s Cuban life and make the evolution of the jazz age look just as dazzling and vivacious as it should be.

7) Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009 - Wes Anderson)

Ocean’s 11: Re-enacted by stop-motion Foxes.

I was apprehensive when viewing this one. The trailer made it look as if it would be so ‘cool’ in its production that it would end up being rather dull. However, this is so organically slick; one almost forgets they are looking at Fox-puppets. While it would still be enjoyed more by adults, it still has a relatable multi-generational appeal. With an additional jab at Tim Burton, this is how a Roald Dahl adaptation should be done. Wes Anderson’s quick-witted adventure that plays up to the ever-lingering child in all of us.

6) Toy Story 1,2 & 3 (1995, 1999, 2010 John Lasseter)

Pixar’s De Milo.

I cannot single these films out as I would have to upgrade to an uneven ‘Top 12’. When commenting on a trilogy where all three films received overwhelming (but still well-deserved) praise from critics and audiences alike, it is difficult to come up with fresh input. Apart from Woody’s uninspiring love interest - Bo-peep; there is never a dull moment in all the collective 272 minutes of screen time. Pixar’s body of work can rarely be faulted, but the Toy Story Trilogy is undoubtedly its masterpiece.

5) Aladdin (1992 - Ron Clements)

Diamond in the Rough.

It is no secret that the 90s were a golden age for Disney: Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, Tarzan, Pocahontas and of course, Aladdin. It was a tough call, choosing the shiniest of these stars, especially with Beauty and Beast becoming the first animated film to be nominated for a ‘Best Picture’ Oscar and the Lion King breaking several Box Office records. However, Aladdin’s fast paced, charming and exciting tale prevails. The classic story is well adapted and entertaining, but the winning ingredient is Robin Williams. His animated talent is finally married with animation itself and it is a genius ingredient that is probably missing from all other children’s films.

4) Mary and Max (2009 - Adam Elliot)

Tissues at the ready.

Yes, be prepared to blubber, because what starts out here as a satirical account of innocence and wonderment soon unfolds into what turns out to be a very tragic tale. This begins, narrated with Mary’s childlike demeanour, but the audience grows weary when she mentions that her mother ‘Tested the sherry...way too much.’ It is not all doom and gloom though, as some moments are extremely touching and humorous. This Australian animation did not get the publicity it should have, so here is your opportunity to go and watch it. Barry Humphries, Toni Collette and Philip Seymour Hoffman all do fantastic jobs in telling this wonderfully unique story of friendship.

3) Coraline (2009 - Henry Selleck)

Definitely not Tim Burton.

With most The Nightmare before Christmas enthusiasts believing that Tim Burton directed it, Henry Selleck was always its unsung hero; The ghost director. He was owed recognition and credit for his work but it was stolen by Burton. Luckily, Coraline fixes that. Not only is this film far superior to Nightmare but Selleck finally takes ownership. It is a faithful adaptation to Neil Gaiman’s bizarre children’s book. The plot is fun, exciting and thrilling with a strong female lead and a range of interesting supporting characters. I generally rise above the money-spinning gimmick that is 3D-cinema, but all will agree that this suburb animation certainly benefits from the extra dimension - making Avatar look like an old episode of the Smurfs.

2) Persepolis (2007 - Vincent Paronnaud)

‘The first marriage is practice for the second.’

However, as illustrated here, 3D and even colour is not always needed. Scaling back not only to hand drawn animation, but to a simplistic Black and White design, Persepolis still boasts a most poignant story. Whilst still being a pleasure to look at, Persepolis is an indulgent feast which fills us with a moving, witty and educational portrayal of Modern Iran, told through a young woman’s eyes. Satrapi gently pokes fun at the main protagonist’s youthful exuberance and naivety, making serious political points easier to swallow. A modern classic.

1) Spirited Away (2001 - Hayao Miyazaki)

The Anti-Disney.

Though Studio Ghibli’s work can admittedly be a little hit and miss, there is something about Miyazaki’s work which makes it effortlessly brave. Spirited Away has a rich honestly that makes it more touching and believable than anything Disney has ever produced. This is saying a lot, since it is a story of a girl who befriends giant frogs, gluttonous monsters and half-dragons to save her parents from becoming pigs for eternity... Whilst this is visually stunning, being released in 2002 was a risk considering the competition of several computer generated animations. However, it still managed to take the Best Animated Feature Oscar, a triumph for a Japanese film.

'The Earth is Evil, We Don't Need to Grieve for It'.

When entering the cinema to see Lars Von Trier's attempt at a "disaster film", I was apprehensive to say the least. For one, I was not overly keen on 2009's tedious and unnecessarily repulsive Antichrist. Watching the trailer of Von Trier's newest mind-fuck, I was worried that it would fall into the same trap as Antichrist: Being far too involved. It appeared self indulgent and unrealistic, even laughable.

This sombre telling of a strange planet named Melancholia colliding with our earth is, of course, absurd in every way. A handful of critics have also labeled the film as 'too slow' and even 'boring'. I, however, felt a pleasant balance of horror, sadness and discomfort.

The story is split into two halves: The first structured around Kirsten Dunst's spiritless Justine, whose country wedding party is where a good proportion of the film takes place. The second half is presented through the eyes of Justine's sister, Claire, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. The two parts of the drama are perfectly paralleled; one presented with feelings of a hollow, defeated outlook on life and the other with a desperate longing to exist.

Melancholia has the most severe of Science Fiction set-ups, having a planet colliding with our earth and ending mankind's existence for good. Yet without generalising, Melancholia would ironically leave your typical, thrill-seeking Sci-Fi junkie feeling underwhelmed. This is a far cry from Independence Day.

Von Trier's film-making style treads familiar ground to Sophia Coppola's, displaying elements of Marie Antoinette and Virgin Suicides Not only because they are sharing a protagonist in Dunst, but because of their long silences and organic character developemnt. This comparison leads me to the question of whether "the end of the world" is even needed for this kind of family-orientated drama? And whilst this particular tragedy could work to a certain extent without the Sci-Fi element, Planet Melancholia's menacing presence throughout made for a strangely hypnotic and haunting viewing: The planet not only being an elusive figure of fear for the characters and audience alike but signifying Justine and Claire's inner turmoil.

Critics have admired Dunst's delicate portrayal of Justine, calling it her comeback after being out of Hollywood's spotlight for some while. This was not just her "comeback" but her breakthrough. Justine's steady decline into a state of complete desolation and despair is the sensitive and realistic representation of mental health that an audience of 2011 needs. Watching Justine is like car-crash syndrome - there is no way to tear away as she destroys everything in her path, much like Melancholia itself.

Charlotte Gainsbourg, who normally plays some form of erratic basketcase takes on her most unusual role: The everywoman. Her performance as a typical middle class mother is her most beautiful. Though the plot is, as mentioned, absurd and ridiculous, something still lingers frightfully close to home. In many people's opinion, this could happen, and eventually it will. Our existence will inevitably come to an end and Claire's reaction has us nailed to the seat with its sheer honesty. She acts as one would imagine any sane mother would in such an awful situation.

These are two of the finest female parts written in years and people are still shying away from the idea of the film, mainly because of Von Trier’s track record. The director has been continuously accused of showing women in a shallow and overtly sexual light. Though in his previous pictures his misogyny could be argued, Melancholia is a true exception to this. Not only are Justine and Claire complex and realistic human beings but they also have a rare cinematic strength. The men of his film flee in one way or another and it is his women who (quite literally) stick it out to the end. As Kirsten Dunst says herself on the matter, '[Von Trier] feels more comfortable with a woman portraying his emotions, so how is that misogynistic?'

Glee Season 2 - In Retrospect

I resisted joining the masses in becoming a fan of Ryan Murphy's phenomenon for some while. However, somewhere between the Madonna and Gaga episodes of season one, I realised that I was apparently not impervious to the show's charm.

I may now be a self proclaimed "Gleek", as they say, but I still have a complicated relationship with the show: Glee is a show that I love, hate, laugh at, cry at, am forever frustrated with, skip the dull songs of, moan about, watch on repeat, am bored by, am passionate about, cringe at....

So let's get the negative out of the way first.

The Glee club itself is far too incestuous! Surely there is somebody in McKinley High OUTSIDE the 15 members of Glee club to play with? It seems to be one big game of musical-lips. Sam in one season has dated Quinn, Mercedes and Santana, who has now has ploughed her way through Puck, Fin, Sam and Brittany. And let's not even open Puck's little black book. It is ridiculous! They may all be 57 in real life, but they are suppose to be playing 16 year olds! Surely this is not the best of examples to be setting on the impressionable youth of today.

The popular teen comedy has never been at its strongest when it comes to plot line. The show runs on well written comedy infectious characterisation, decent sentiments and the music. Which brings me to, of course, the core of the show.

Glee's music is always going to be hit and miss, and I do not think there is any way the creators can avoid this. As long as they continue on with the odd hit, they are doing their job...Still, in my personal opinion there are ways for the creators to avoid the misses and pull in more hits. Here a list of the worst breeds of Glee-song.

1) Ballads by Rachel. - I'm sure they held some sort of emotional power over an audience in season 1, but sadly they happen far too often and have become increasingly repetitive and dull. This is where I usually skip to the next scene...

2) Copycats. - I know 98% of Glee's discography is made up of cover-versions but it is when they get really lazy that I feel like tuning out. When the show covers songs still floating around in the top 40, like 'Firework,' or 'Tik & Tok,' with no sense of unique identity, it often just feels like karaoke. They just sound the same. It's not difficult to make it creative - just get a member opposite sex to sing it. Rebecca Black, anybody?

3) Irrelevant songs that nobody knows. - Every fan can surely relate to this category.

With the underwhelming songs aside, there have been a number of enjoyable numbers this season. Here are my five favourite performances of season 2:

1) Quinn/Rachel - I Feel Pretty/Unpretty.

2) Glee Club - Marry You

3) Blaine - Teenage Dream

4) Holly Holiday, Santana & Brittany - Landslide

5) Artie - Stronger

The Coppola effect

A love letter to one of my favourite directors

Lost In Translation showed a 13-year old me the frightfully powerful hold that cinema can have on a person. ‘But nothing happened‘, so many complained. Yet, I cared not, as to me, everything happened: Sophia Coppola happened.

It can be difficult to tear Sophia’s name from the stigma that her family name carries, even though her work is so different from her father’s. While I like the Godfather, and was thoroughly entertained by the Godfather part II, I will always choose a viewing of Marie Antoinette for a Friday night in. Controversial, I know.

Being boo'd and hissed at during various film festivals, Marie Antoinette is largely known to be Coppola's biggest cinematic failure (Directorial failure, this does not include her acting in The Godfather part III). I cannot deny that in means of story and character it is about as realistic as Avatar, even though it is supposed to be based on truth. Though, this is no hindrance to a devout Copola fan: While I can barely remember what happened in relation to plot, I remember what I felt watching the film. Marie Antoinette was as beautiful as Avatar. Every scene edible, every costume striking and Kirsten Dunst’s performance massively underrated - which could have been a denominating factor in why she ended up in rehab so soon afterwards.

From one Dunst/Coppola Collaboration to another, The Virgin Suicides, is for me, the teen angst film of all time (Though, I do like Bring it On. A lot). Not only is it faithful to the essence of Jeffrey Eugenides’ terrific novel, but it works itself as a ingenious observation of the teenage girl. The emptiness, the loneliness and the insignificance of being a 14 – 17 year old adolescent is showcased from an obviously personal viewpoint, and is accompanied perfectly by a score from French electronica band Air.

As with her three past films, Coppola's newest feature, Somewhere is about being materially rich but morally bankrupt, which is impossible not to interpret as a biographical reference. Just like Lost in Translation, we have a rich film star spending his life in hotels doing fuck all. How can this be entertaining?

Somehow, without telling us how we are suppose to feel through a plot, she shows us. It is what is not said that is important. There are moments of intense stillness that tie the audience to Stephen Dorff’s character in ways that underline Coppola’s specific breed of filmmaking. Without giving away too much for those who have not seen it, we are left with a similar conclusion as to Lost in Translation; and Bob’s whispering in Charlotte’s ear. We want, so desperately, to know what was said, but never find out, however many times we re-watch it.

Stephen Dorff – Who’s work I was not familiar with until now, performs the role brilliantly and Elle Fanning gives her older sister someone to watch out for. Somewhere is another addition to what I'd call a fantastic start-out for a young(ish) director.

Favourite films of 2010

My top picks:

1) The Social Network
2) Somewhere
3) Toy Story 3
4) Harry Potter and the Dealthy Hallows Part 1
5) Get him to the Greek
6) Cemetery Junction
7) Winter's Bone
8) How to Train your Dragon
9) The Town

10) Chico & Rita

Some from 2009 I didn't see till until 2010 that I rated highly:

11) Up in the Air
12) Fantastic Mr Fox

The one that got away and that I'm certain would have made my list into a 'top 13'...

L'illusionniste - I'll see it in 2011. It's a Resolution.

Biggest Let Downs:

1) Eclipse

2) Easy A

3) Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
4) Kick Ass

5) Inception

6) The Princess and the Frog

7) Gainsbourg

Worst of the year:

1) The Hot Tub Time Machine

2) Brooklyn's Finest

Everybody goes through that pretentious photography phase at least once...

...for me, that phase is now.

When it comes to 'art', I've always preferred photograph over painting. Though I will happily admire the work of fine water or pastel painter, I have always found it difficult finding that particular something that connects between myself and the painting. This, of course, could be due to lack of imagination on my part.

However, I never seem to struggle to discover the innate beauty or sense of wonderment captured in a good photograph. A photographer I have admired for many a year is David LaChapelle:

LaChapelle snaps mainly celebrities (like Ewan Mcgregor pictured here). He is vibrant, colourful and is at a standard that cannot be held up to any other photographer I've seen the work of. He also directed Christina Aguilera's infamously raunchy video 'dirty'. LaChappelle's work is like a frantically camp, but passionate affair with which ever A-Lister is in the frame.

He is the master of the wacky and his portfolio should be attempted by no one.

Though I am a big fan, LaChappelle was still not the somebody who actually inspired me to crack out the old Olympus - which had been gathering dust in the shed for far too long. It was Robert Doisneau's photos which sparked an interest. Though Doisneau is one of France's most noted photographers, it was only very recently that his work found me. His photographs date back to the 1930s and continued throughout most of the 20th century. He managed to capture, what can only be described as the simple and subtle beauties of everyday life. Sticking mainly to the streets of Paris, he transformed the ordinary into profound art:

And here are some I took over summer (It's a work in progress):

'The Marvels of daily life are exciting; no movie director can arrange the unexpected that you find in the street' - Robert Doisneau

The Town

When did car chases become such fun?
One should always be somewhat sceptical when entering a cinema where a Ben Affleck production is being shown. You never quite know what you are getting yourself into. (Remember Gigli? No? Well, you're lucky). With The Town being directed by and starring the man himself, it is double the pressure for Affleck. Luckily, this fast paced thriller offers even more of the Gone Baby Gone-type redemption from the Pearl Harbours and Paychecks of his career.

So what makes this heist-flick a pleasant experience for the cinema-goer, rather than giving us the 'I want to tear my eyes out with a corkscrew' sensation we experienced during Surviving Christmas?

Firstly we have a lucid and engaging story which is not 100% original, but does more than the job.

Secondly, casting is key. Though we have no academy -worthy performances here, each actor holds their own: Rebbecca Hall does her signature straight laced, girl next door thing while Blake Lively climbs down the social ladder from being a Manhattan socialite (Gossip Girl), and becomes America's finest example of trailer trash. And though Affleck never has quite had the cinematic presence in the action-drama role as, Leonardo Dicaprio, for example, he still packs enough spunk to keep us genuinely interested in the, 'redeem me' villain that he plays.

The most surprising part of the film for me however, was the fact that I wasn't thinking of what to have for dinner during the inevitable car-chase scenes. I was instead hanging on at every wheel-screech and police siren and waiting for the next explosion.

So for finally I agree with Empire's 4 stars on this one.

Four stars? Really Empire...?

I remember my first ever issue of Empire...It was the release of the first of Sam Rami's Spider-man's, Back in 2002. I was just a pubescent boy with acne and terrible hair at the time. Ever since, Empire has been a kind of hero to me. Not Total Film, not Sight and Sound and not Film two-Thousand and whatever... it was always Empire.

I always agreed with any criticism or praise Empire dished out on default. Since, in my early years of high school I had few friends, Empire became a kind of imaginary friend to me:

‘SCREAM IS GAY’

‘Well Empire gave it four stars!’

Or

‘Date Movie is fockin’ bangin’ mate’

‘Uh, Empire gave it one star...’

Recently, cracks began to form between me and the movie magazine that I once loved so dearly. When, last week my father kindly purchased me a cinema ‘Unlimited Card’ (My last one expired in 2005) I went online to have a gander on what to watch and Empire nudged me towards two films:

Brooklyn’s Finest

Empire – Four stars
Me - Two Stars. Looked shit in the trailer, so I should have trusted my instincts. Nevertheless, my ‘yes lord Empire, I’ll see it’ auto-response pushed through. Total rubbish. Boring characters. Recycled plot. Gratuitous violence. It was lucky I had the Facebook phone application to get me through.

Shrek 4 – Four stars. Me - 3 Stars Thank fuck for that - the last installment of the quadrilogy was total shit - glad to see the friendly geen ogre is back on top! However, apart from some nice 3-D, it was total ogre-shite, I didn’t even snigger. Not once.

A week later I felt I had to see the latest Twilight effort. I had seen the last two and given it has become such an iconic franchise, I thought I may as well. I don’t quite know why, since I thought the first two were pretty crap...Either way, I still somehow ended up munching on my starburst in the opening day-advanced screening of the film. And yes, I was surrounded, of course, by the ritual horde of screaming 14 year old girls.

The good thing about the first two films in the “saga” was that however badly acted or poorly written they were, they remained entertaining throughout. This time I was actually bored throughout the entirety of Eclipse . Even the climax was as dull as my grandma’s stroodle. It was an overly-sappy, badly put together and rushed MESS... Worst of all, Dekota Fanning’s only intriguing character - though plastered all over Eclipse posters - barely had one line throughout.

“Empire is going to tear this summer turkey apart,” I thought when leaving the screening. But to my horror I came home and checked the review and it read – “By far the best Twilight film to date.” – Four stars. (Me? ... 1 star)

And that was the moment I lost all faith in Empire...

...I am willing to be fickle on the matter though, considering I still have a subscription...